Friday, May 22, 2015

It could happen to you

This is a public service announcement edition of ‘Think Dream Play,’ offered in hopes of helping even one family who suffers from the devastating effects of a wide-spread but rarely-spoken-of condition present in their homes. 

Your champion is here.  I stand with you:  My cat, too, has the poop crazies.

There.  I’ve said it.

"What are the poop crazies?” some might ask.  Excellent question.

Also known as the “post-poop freak out” or the “zoomies,” this phenomenon in cat behavior occurs at exactly the moment you have no doubt by now identified. 

In that instant, a here-to-fore graceful and serene feline will pin his ears back, widen his eyes and levitate helicopter-fashion over the box, spin like Linda Blair in the “Exorcist,” and then tear through the house as though his tail’s on fire. 

It’s quite unsettling.

At first, I blamed the puppy.  (So did the cat, by the way.)  After all, he appears to have no compunction, relieving himself at will and willie-nillie, as it were, without regard to time, location or consciousness of his own actions.  

After such crass and blatant displays of canine abandon, what’s a kitty to do?  Why wouldn’t he seek attention via the poop crazies?  Perhaps it’s a desperate cry of despair at the dog’s arrival and unending presence decimating previously gentile household.

It goes without authentication that there are many who are too mortified to mention their plight.  So I have come forward.  I’m here for you.  I did some research into the spectacle on your behalf. 

Why would I do this?  Why put myself up as an object of ridicule? 

Alas, it is familiar territory. 

But we all know the immediate benefit of a celebrity revelation.  Once a notable steps out of the shadows and helps shine a light, those who – for fear of stigma – have borne the pain of a frightening secret gain new strength and resolve. 

OK.  All right!  I know.  I’m not a luminary.  No need to rub it in.  Geez!  I’m just trying to help here!

Let’s just wait and see.  When dominos begin to fall, the money flows and a cure is found, perhaps you’ll think of me and credit my bravery.  It’s not easy coming forward on a matter so delicate. 

You might remember the work Rob Lowe did for shy bladders; a condition alluded to by Alternate Universe Rob Lowe in those ads for DirecTV.  Remember?  He claims to be unable to ‘go’ with other people in the room?  DirecTV stock went up .16%! 

And then of course, they pulled the ads.  Offensive?  I say no.  Some people just can’t stand the truth.

No good deed goes unpunished, that’s all.  And still, I am here for all you silent victims of the poop crazy syndrome!  I say to you now, you are not alone. 

Here are some helpful sources of information for your edification:

At “The Dodo – For the Love of Animals” we learn that potty box bonkers may be a carryover survival instinct, first employed by ancestral felines – like sabre toothed tigers, for example – so that predators can't trace their way to the kitty responsible for the uh, deposit.  

(I’m still trying to figure out what creature had the audacity to prey on a sabre toothed tiger.)

From “Get Catnip Daily” we are told that the phenomenon could be “poop-phoria,” a happy and excited feeling typically unwitnessed in cats, who are by nature stoic and annoying.  It appears that some cats are stimulated and even feel regenerated just at that moment and cannot contain their glee.

Apparently such ecstasy is not restricted to cats, though no other species is associated with the characteristic sprints around the house.

The “Cat Site” says, well, it says a lot of repetitive stuff.  This site seems to be made up of a bunch of Crazy Cat Ladies who enjoy making a public display of their preoccupations.  One after the other, women who posted there lol’d about their Fluffy’s antics, spoke almost exclusively in clichés and included enough animated emoticons to make a sane person zany.


Put the box in the garage, by the way.  Strategic potty box placement is key to managing the mania. 

More tips to come at 

You’re welcome.