Monday, November 11, 2013

Women's Breasts - Out in front again

“Some parts of the anatomy, like a woman’s breast tissue, age faster than the rest of the body.”

Well that’s just great.

Thank you so much, Steven Horvath, Professor of Human Genetics and Biostatistics at UCLA. 

Professor Horvath has applied for a patent for his revelation, which he has ever-so-humbly named the “Horvath Clock.” 

He explains his discovery as an internal timepiece able to accurately calculate the age of diverse human organs, tissues and cell types.  Call it a biological clock used for comparison with our chronological clocks.

It’s a years-on-the-road versus mileage kind of thing.  And following that analogy, breasts equate to tires, I suppose.  Might as well go ahead and spring for the Michelins.

“It’s surprising that one could develop a clock that reliably keeps time across the human anatomy,” Horvath admitted. 

Most of his samples’ biological ages matched their chronological ages, but others diverged significantly. 

“My approach compared apples and oranges, or in this case, very different parts of the body: the brain, heart, lungs, liver, kidney, cartilage...” 

And breasts.

Of all things.    

I can’t help feeling betrayed.  Why should any body part charge out ahead of the others?  What’s the rush girls?  You’re acting like those puffed up people who just have to fly first class.  We’re all going to get there at the same time, you know.

But there is something pretty amazing from the professor’s work: “If a woman has breast cancer, the healthy tissue next to the tumor is an average of 12 years older than the rest of her body.”

Horvath says these results may explain why breast cancer is the most common cancer in women.  Given that the Horvath Clock ranked tumor tissue at an average of 36 years older than healthy tissue, it could explain why age is a major risk factor for many cancers in both genders.

So all right.  The Horvath Clock could be a very good thing.

And besides, there’s a buck to be made here!  I’m glad to know women’s breasts age faster than the rest of our bodies because…

I can buy my support bras in advance, avoiding the inevitable surge in price as Baby Boomer women crest the curve and flood the market, their breasts leading the way.

Better still, I’ll buy stock in Playtex, Soma and Victoria’s Secret, ha!  Ha!

OK.  I hate those ideas, but less than I hate the fact that my breasts are aging faster than the rest of me. 

I want men to experience some of this disparate degeneration too.  Fair’s fair.  Did Professor Horvath even look into that possibility? 

In my thoroughly superficial survey of his work, I found no reference men’s body parts.  And of course I can’t mention them here!

He talks about saliva and hormones.  Whooptifrickindo! 

He plans to test rats for similar biological clocks, which seems like ten steps backwards to me.  A total boondoggle. 

I hope he’s not preoccupied with male pattern baldness or erectile dysfunction. 

But did he even notice that old men’s ears are huge?  They’re leading some kind of race.

What about it Doc?  We want equal rights to unequal body-part aging!  Get on it wouldja?!

Thank you so much Professor Horvath.