Friday, March 1, 2013

I do work from home, really!

I’m pumping iron right now. 

That’s right.  Here at my desk.  Between words. 

Fifteen reps.  Five-pound dumbbells.  Bicep curls, Baby.  Overhead punches.  Whooh!  Man!  That’s a workout. 

How do I do it, you might ask.  It’s just the kind of person I am.  A multi-tasker.  Master of time management and personal fitness.  Oh yeah. 

If you want to change your own slovenly ways and turn your torpid life around, you can find some great suggestions for this kind of efficiency online.   

To wit:  Keep exercise tubing in your desk drawer and use it while talking on the phone.  I’m unsure why I didn’t think of that myself.   

An element of caution is appropriate here.  I’ve learned that exercise tubes can be awkward in your desk.  They’re rubbery, and a little like those coiled-up cloth-covered snakes that spring out of a tube, freaking out the unsuspecting dupe who unscrews the lid, never anticipating that old gag.   

Just this morning I spilled coffee and carrot sticks all over the place when I opened the desk drawer and my exercise tubes surged at me like a nest of eels.  It was extremely unpleasant. 

My cat had her nose at the edge of the drawer just at that moment too since I keep her treats in there.  I’m sure she’s around here somewhere.   

I’ll bet you didn’t know you can tighten your flappy triceps right there at your computer.  Chair dips’ll do it!  Sure!   

Face outward, placing your palms on the seat of the chair behind you.  That’s right, behind you.  Now, feet flat on the floor.  Bend your knees.  Bend ‘em!  Now slowly bend your arms and lower yourself until your upper arms are parallel to the floor.  Feel the burn!  And push yourself back up!  

Or just ooze yourself on down to the floor for a minute.  Then get up and try again.  Repeat 15 times. Easy peasy!   

I should warn you though, no matter how committed you are to eliminating those granny wings, don’t attempt these dips if your chair is on wheels.  Take my word. 

You know you can strengthen your core by standing on one leg while you brush your teeth, right?  I time myself according to the timer built into my fancy schmancy electric toothbrush, holding that flamingo pose for sixty seconds on each leg.   

Beginners should build up their balance on this one though.  One erratic wobble and you can wind up with your Sonicare sideways in your mouth and toothpaste in your ear. 

Tighten those buns by doing squats while you blow your hair dry.  That’s right, squats.  Hold that squat for as long as you can, then stand up and give your glutes 30 isometric squeezes.   

I beg your pardon.  Was that too graphic?  No time to be squeamish!  But if you’re getting ready to go to work, you’ll want to complete this move before you put on your pantyhose. 

I never just walk around the kitchen anymore.  No!  The dedicated multi-tasker never lets an opportunity pass to maximize the personal fitness moment.  When I’m putting away groceries, cooking or cleaning up, I only allow myself to lunge around the kitchen.  Didn’t you ever see Monty Python’s Minister of Silly Walks?  Super toned legs! 

If I have a few moments waiting for the coffee to brew – I have time to tone my hamstrings with jump squats.  I jump up and land in a squat position from the guest bedroom to the entry hall and back.   

Of course, to enhance your motivation and results, you must visualize the benefits of your workout!  I can just picture my…well, just picture your own body parts getting firmer and more toned as you go. 

Finally, you’ve earned a cool down.  Stretch out in your chair by opening your knees and folding your body over your thighs.  Let your head hang low towards your feet.  You’ll recognize this as the emergency (crash) landing pose advocated by the airlines; the one where you kiss your bum goodbye. 

One caveat is in order:  If you happen to be working from home for Yahoo!, be advised that President & CEO Marissa Mayer will not approve this regimen as legitimate use of company time.