Friday, February 1, 2013

Take a pill!

I saw a post on Facebook this week:  “I've been pleased to find that I can pretty much hide the ‘greens’ taste of kale in my morning juices.  No more ‘squinchy’ face!”   

It’s the little things, isn’t it?  Doesn’t take much at all to make most of us happy, even if we do come across as a bit simple-minded. 

But really, her day seems to have been made.  She can gracefully navigate the vicissitudes of life having beaten the squinchy face.   

More power!  And by all means, keep us apprised! 

Of course, some of us beat the “greens” thing a while back by leaving the kale entirely out of our morning juices.  It’s another way of looking at it.  A new perspective.  I call it the “take a pill” approach. 

You could take a kale pill with your morning juices.  That’s an idea.  I’m sure there’s a kale pill available at GNC.  Look for it alphabetically on the shelf right next to the Krill Oil, between the Horny Goat Weed and the L-Tryptophan.  

What?  Not familiar with Horny Goat Weed?  I’ll confess; I just found it myself when I was shopping online for this column.  Suffice it to say that Horny Goat Weed can be found in the Men’s Health and Vitality section. 

And there’s the L-Tryptophan, available in a tablet or capsule so you don’t have to eat a Thanksgiving turkey to get a good night’s sleep.   

It begs the question as to why anyone would put kale in her morning juices to begin with.  In fact, let me just come right out and say it:  Enough with the kale!   

According to World’s Healthiest Foods, you’re going to need to camouflage two cups a day, five days a week to achieve the maximum, though admittedly prodigious health benefits of this invasion-of-the-body-snatchers-looking plant.  It doesn’t form its own head; that’s why it wants yours! 

I say consume your cruciferous vegetables the way God intended, steamed until limp and smothered in cheese.  That’s the most effective method for cloaking that “greens” taste and to avoid the “squinchy face” which could last all day.   

Or, you could take a pill. 

And while we’re here, what, pray tell, are “morning juices”?  I have a sneaking feeling this a concoction akin to a martini – that combination of unpleasant liquids dressed up in a groovy glass so the consumer can pretend it’s fun to drink even though it produces a squinchy face all its own.   

I’m thinking “morning juices” comprise a Molotov cocktail of murky stuff that’s “good for you” but so unpleasant as to need dim lighting, costumes and makeup before it’s approachable.   

I speak from experience on this:  In the ‘70’s a cousin of mine took up selling supplements in hopes of building a pyramid of personal wealth off his family.  I had a job and so felt compelled to help him out and buy something.  That something turned out to be a jug of aloe vera juice.  He pitched it for its soothing, healing, restorative powers.  Why it would flow through you and right all your internal wrongs. 

And all it took was a capful!  Keep it in the fridge.  Shake it up first thing in the morning; pour it into its own plastic shot glass and slug it down.  I envisioned myself glowing with a sort of fluorescent green well-being.  (He was a pretty good salesman, my cousin.  I wonder where he is now?) 

Day one:  Shake it up.  Drink it down.  Say, that was kind of thick.   

Day two:  Shake it up, swirl it around the cap, drink it!  Hmmm.  Not so much thick as slimy.  Bleach-like.   

Day three:  Pinch your nose and think of the Queen.  Eeeeyah!  Oh!  Oh!  Oh!   

Day four:  Cue the soundtrack from “Jaws.”  Open the fridge.  Bright light in a dark kitchen.  And as God is my witness, when I picked up the bottle the hair on my arms stood up.  

Enough with the aloe vera! 

In retrospect, he did say I could mix it with my orange juice.  But it would take more than an innocent orange to wrestle the healing powers of aloe vera to the ground. 

Don’t do it, I say!  Step away from the kale!  Take a pill.