Friday, September 16, 2011

Confessions of a Retired Domestic


So I found myself scrolling through photos of the top 20 Worst Wax Replicas of celebrities in Madam Tussaud’s Wax Museum.  Thanks, Yahoo!   

Some of them really are unrecognizable.  The one that’s supposed to be Julia Roberts looks like an age-progressed Bristol Palin.  Oh wait, could that truly be Bristol Palin in a borrowed dress?  A little sad, a little saggy.  

Nicole Kidman’s wax figure looks like it’s been shot full of Botox, but then that might make hers the most realistic.  Michael Jackson’s likeness is extremely unnatural, and, ditto.

I’m sure the wax sculptors worked long hours in climate controlled studios yet they managed to make someone as beautiful as Jennifer Lopez look like a self-conscious teenager – too much make-up and a dramatic pose.  They even made a stiff little Brad-Angelina baby with Jolie’s full, fleshy lips.  Oh my God.  Why?  Why? 

All is put into perspective by the disclaimer on the museum’s website:  “Please note that Madame Tussaud’s reserves the right to remove or alter figures for technical, operational, health and safety or other reasons without prior notice.”  Ewww! 

Of course you know what this means:  I’m avoiding the floors.  We have lots of hardwood, which I love.  So warm.  So cozy.  So dusty.  When the morning sun is just right, I can see our traffic patterns trailing a clean path through the hallways in the dust. 

And speaking of dust, I’ve neglected it long enough that our dust bunnies have morphed into dust rhinos.  And dust hippos.  I swear I saw a sooty lemur skulking under the bed this morning.  I could round up this menagerie, buy a flea circus, and take the whole show on the road.   

When do spider webs officially transform into cobwebs?  Is there a stigma attached to that?  It seems there is.  Cobwebs don’t add character, no matter how much you squint your eyes and think of days gone by.  And what’s up with this cadre of arachnids that so diligently constructs its wonders of nature, only to abandon them and build again?  Why don’t they just move outdoors?  Honestly. 

We have a beautiful view except for those water spots on the windows.  So the windows are on my list as I gear up for Spring Cleaning.  You know I’m on the Aztec calendar, right?  It’s an extremely workable alternative to our traditional Roman calendar – so 2010. 

Actually, the windows are on the waiting list.  They’ve not reached the top priority “must clean” status.  A few spots do not a big deal make.  I’ll wait ‘til they start to look filmy.   

I use my Grandma Simpson’s TV set as the standard for filmy.  Once when my husband and I visited her in Casa, Arkansas, the three of us watched the PGA tournament on her giant box of a console TV.  Vijay Singh was her favorite golfer.  But he was hard to make out on the screen.  All the players seemed to have dark hair and fuzzy edges.   

You need to understand Grandma Simpson smoked her first cigarette before she got out of bed in the morning and continued lighting up all day long, her last puff drawn in when she reclined after Johnny Carson and began drifting off to sleep.  Kools menthol.  Awful.  Thank goodness for flame retardant bedclothes or she probably wouldn’t have survived to her full 81 years.   

So, when my husband crossed the room to adjust the picture (remember “contrast”?) he accidentally bumped the screen.  It was sticky. 

After a vigorous session with Windex and a scrub sponge, voila!  Shocking and beautiful all at once.  Bright colors and crisp borders defined players, fairways, sand traps, water hazards, and greens.   

I couldn’t help wondering about her carpet and drapes.  Love ya, Grandma, but yikes!  I don’t think I’ll wait for that kind of film around here! 

I could always water the plants or do some laundry, but what’s this?  “Odd Hiccup Cures that Actually Work.”  The old standards are fine for your humdrum run-of-the-mill hiccups.  But for persistent or intractable hiccuppers, and you know who you are, try acupuncture, sex, or medical marijuana.  Really. 

You can’t learn this stuff just anywhere.  Only on the internet news.  Check out One-minute Ways to Live a Little Longer (by Dr. Oz) and the House Built by Chipmunks. 

This stuff can’t wait.  But the vacuuming can.