Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Is That a Pistol in Your Pocket...or?

Here’s a good idea: Let’s follow Texas. Let’s let college students carry concealed weapons. Yeah, let’s do that. Freshman frat boys make level-headed keepers of the peace. Go ahead - Allow concealed weapons on college campuses.

Neither Texans, nor the rest of us have forgotten the ominous 1966 shooting at the University of Texas, Austin, when a gunman killed 16 students shooting from the school’s landmark clock tower. The bill that’s working its way through the Texas legislature right now is authored by those who hope to prevent such events as this and the more recent Virginia Tech massacre.

The idea of the legislation is to allow innocents to arm themselves so they can defend themselves, and others, should the need arise. The bill has the support of Texas’s pistol-packing Governor Rick Perry.

Since I’m planning to take a course at my local community college this summer, I know I’ll feel safer if my peers in the classroom are armed. I’m certain they will all be rational.

Professors too. They should be armed. After all, they never get in the same frame of mind as stressed-out students. Their lives are sound and stable or they wouldn’t be professors. And who’s in a better position strategically than the guy at the front of the class?

Let’s go ahead with the next logical step and allow high school students, at least the 18 year old seniors, teachers (and administrators!) to carry concealed weapons. After all, there are many tragic examples of shootings on high school campuses. Parents and students, everyone in public schools can finally relax with gun totin’ good guys in classrooms, in the cafeteria, and on the quad.

I’m sure it will be helpful in the battle against violent crime to put more weapons into everyday circumstances. Then, if someone brandishes a weapon, almost anyone could shoot that person! Yeah. I’m likin’ the sound of that.

We’ll let all the good guys carry guns, so when the bad guys show their guns, it will be a fair fight.

I’m just wondering about cabbies and bus drivers. They see a lot of unexpected violence. And we shouldn’t leave out the clerks in liquor stores around the country. They definitely need to be able to defend themselves and their customers.

I once read that convenience store clerks who greet customers as they come in the door are less likely to be robbed. Greet ‘em with your Gloc! See how many robberies we have after that.

Finally, bank tellers, we’ve gotta take care of the bank tellers. Amazingly, banks are still getting robbed, just like back in the Wild Wild West. Can’t think why concealed weapons were outlawed in the first place.

We’ll have to consider cross fire of course. Maybe we could establish some guidelines. The first one to draw on the bad guy has dibs. He (or she) becomes the designated shooter, defender, righter of wrongs. Everyone else, duck! Because if all the armed people, legitimate and illegitimate carriers, pulled out their guns and started shooting, well, you can see, it would be confusing. The wrong person might get hit.

We’ll have to set up good guy criteria so gun salesmen can sort out who to sell to. Otherwise, just anyone could be carrying a gun. That’s kind of how it is now, right?

Certainly entrepreneurs will be glad to see this law go into effect. The opportunities in fashion alone are staggering. We’ll need new lines of handbags for sure. Makers of the popular organizer-style bag will want to include a built-in holster to keep a woman’s weapon at-the-ready while out of the way of her cell phone and lipstick. Boots? Just formalize the popular informal location for a concealed gun. And for the purist, a simple ankle strap holster will suffice.

Levi’s and the GAP will want to begin developing jeans with an interior waistline holster for carriage down-the-front or small-of-the-back, depending on the carrier’s preference. A designer line of under-the-armpit holsters is sure to do well: lightweight, colorful. Not just leather any more!

We’re onto something here: A boon to the economy and a lift to the spirits of safety conscious Americans.

Now off to my errands: I’m going to run by the post office, then to McDonald’s, and of course, “Books, Guns & Ammo.”