Ann Curry and the Body Snatchers

I was thinking about Ann Curry the other day when I Googled “ageism.”  Came up with this link:  “Use ageism in a sentence!” offered at www.yourdictionary.com.  It turned up a list of headlines reflecting news articles about people over 55 (FIFTY-FIVE!) who fall victims to cold hearted, bloodthirsty predatory ratings seekers.   

Oh.  Did that sound angry?  Too bad. 

Where is Ann Curry anyway?  One day it’s Ann.  Gracious, insightful, lovely Ann.  

Punching Matt.  Hugging Al.  Touching the knee of the Dalai Lama. 

Next day…Where is Ann?  What have they done with our Ann?   

I watched the Investigation Discovery channel expecting to hear her fate intoned by Bill Kurtis, that latter day Jack Friday on “Disappeared,” or even “Ghost Hunters.”  But no Ann. 

Then I remembered:  Ann’s on “special assignment!”  Right. 

“Special assignment.”  That’s network newspeak for their own particular corporate purgatory.  Ann’s no longer on the couch with Matt and Al.  Instead, after 16 years with NBC and barely one year as co-anchor of the Today Show, she’s circling the seventh rung of hell hoping to catch her breath after a sucker punch from NBC exec Jim Bell.  Rumor has it that Matt Lauer voted her off the fickle island of youthful ratings. 

 What’s wrong with Ann?  I love her in spite of her goofy wardrobe.  When I’m an old woman, I too shall wear big orange and fuchsia felt flowers appliqued on my tent dress.  That, and purple.  With a red hat.   

But I’m outside the 25 to 54 demographic so who really cares?  Certainly not the Today Show advertisers! 

Ann’s smart and beautiful.  And she’s a Duck.  A Fighting Duck!  You know, the University of Oregon.  The powerhouse Ducks!  (My husband’s also a Duck…that one’s for you, Honey.)  You’ve gotta love a Duck!  

Ann asserted her idiosyncratic self and resisted network pressure to conform to prescribed appearances.  Well, except for those torturous stilettos.   

In addition to her quirky clothing, she says she’s proud of her wrinkles.  They give her dignity and speak to the status she’s earned in her family.  Ok, the 14-year-old ratings analysts must have said.  She has the cheekbones to carry it off.   

But then, in a fateful act of martyrdom, she wouldn’t dye her hair either.  God love her, she may have gone too far beyond the shallow veneer of media mandates; the trapdoor opened. 

I know.  There’s nothing wrong with Savannah Guthrie.  

She’s cute and smart and socially adept.  She’s fine.  She’s more than fine, but I can’t trust her.  After all, she slipped onto Ann Curry’s warm spot on the Today Show sofa as smooth as a lounge lizard on Saturday night.  

And that’s just it.  The transition barely caused a ripple.  Oh sure.  There was a flutter of outrage right before the exit door bumped Ann’s butt.  Since then it’s just like nothing ever happened.  We’re chatting and laughing and punching each other’s shoulders all over again.  It’s eerily the same as it ever was.  Cue the Talking Heads.  Oh, the irony! 

Somehow, some way, I think the Stepford co-anchors are at work.  Face it; Savannah’s just a newer model year.  She’ll grow up to be Ann Curry herself one day, if she’s lucky.  And Matt will still be there to nudge her off the furniture. 

It’s “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” meets “Simone.”  (That’s the 2002 Al Pacino movie wherein he plays a producer whose film is endangered when his star walks off the set.  So he creates a digital actress to substitute for the star.  But then SHE becomes an overnight sensation that everyone thinks is a real person!)   

OMG.  I drifted. 

You can see it’s an emotional issue for me - Ann and ageism and Savannah and ducks.  Where’s a person in the 55-to-64-year-old dematerializing demographic to turn?  MacNeil Lehrer?! 

Sure, some readers get my rapidly-becoming-obscure references to rock and roll music and “senior” stars seeking roles for the mature.  But what about the new kids on the block?  (Sorry.) 

No really.  I’ve got broad appeal.  I’m still relevant.  I have something to say!  I will not go quietly into that superficial swamp of commercial polling! 

Where are you Ann?  Hold my hand!  I’m on your side.

Buy Underwear! Eat Dessert!

Did you know when you buy new underwear, you’ve signaled Wall Street to boom? Oh yes. Heard it on the Today Show. Financial analysts report that our economy is showing signs of recovery. What are those signs, you ask? Leading indicator: Surges in sales of new underthings!

According to this theory, when things get tight (beg your pardon for the pun) we tend to hold onto our shabby undies. As economic conditions improve, we replace the grayed and stringy in favor of pastel and springy.

In a troubling side note, this also seems to indicate that economists know the state of our lingerie. Somewhat creepy. But what can you do? It’s like pretending that all your personal information is secure on the internet. It’s not. They already know. But ragged BVD’s linked to a sagging GDP? Really?

Guess what’s another leading indicator of an economic upswing? Dessert consumption! I am all over this one! Matt and Meredith said it this week: Eating dessert after a meal in a restaurant is evidence of consumer confidence. Appetizers too! Following the Undergarment Theory of Economic Cycles, the ingestion of these delightful, but superfluous luxuries reflects optimism, which in turn harkens to the economic rebound we’re seeking. And for the first time since 2009, dessert intake is expanding. It follows logically, so say the analysts, that our economy is expanding too. Not to mention our waistlines and the accompanying elasticity of our underwear. But I digress.

Hallelujah and hooray! At last, something I can do to help. Underwear, appetizers and dessert! It’s been such a long time. I am energized just knowing the powerful impact of these three small but profound contributions! Having new underwear is almost as much fun as having new shoes. Appetizers and desserts? You know you’re living the life!

Finally, in a downward economic trend, tee times wane. We don’t play enough golf. I’m certainly guilty on this count. I can’t remember the last time I skulled one into a water hazard. Actually, I can. So can the poor coot that was in my line of fire. Rolled over like a foundering sailboat. (Coots' feet are green!) But now, duffers from Walla Walla to Washington D.C. are teeing up again, and the economy senses it.

Observe the multi-tasker among us, heralding a healthy economy: Nibbling nachos as she waits for her tee time. She hits a bucket of balls in her brand new Fruit of the Looms. After nine holes, in the clubhouse, she chooses not beer, but cherry cobbler. A la mode, of course. Done and done.

Hey…wait a minute. Could it be the other way around? Could it be we can control the economy with our attitudes toward, and purchases of, underwear? If we detect a dip in the market, can we create a turnaround by ordering jalapeno poppers or tiramisu? I think we could be onto something here. To paraphrase a great motivator: The only things we have to fear are stretched-out elastic, calorie counting, and divots on the fairway…I’ll work on that.

And by the by, why didn’t they tell us this stuff months ago? We could have staged a nationwide campaign to boost the economy out of the doldrums. I can see it now. Picketers with posters chanting at the entrances to Chili’s and Outback. “Eat your cake! Eat your cake!” Emotions kick up quickly in these scenarios: “Un-American” scrawled across the door to Jenny Craig’s.

Schoolchildren add to their list of responsibilities for good citizenship: Vote; pay your taxes; and wear fresh new underwear! Of course they’ll eat their desserts – right after a round of Putt Putt.

We’d have public service announcements on prime time TV: Who would be our spokesperson? Steven Colbert? No. Paula Deen? No! Oprah Winfrey herself exhorting earnestly from the fairway, “Uncle Sam needs you to keep our country strong. Do your part. Have chips and guacamole tonight.”

Power to the People! For the good of the country: Eat! Play! Buy new skivvies!

I’m going to write a screenplay and see if Julia Roberts will sign for the lead.