Being Elderly in the Time of the Corona Virus

I just created an MP3 recording!

And I’m ELDERLY!

I figured it out all by myself, too!  Wow!  ELDERLY folks are amazing!

Not sure about you, but I have a strong aversion to being called ‘elderly.’  I’m not even too keen on the designation of “senior citizen.”  I prefer to be called Oh Great One, or She Who Must Be Obeyed.  So far, no takers.   

Certainly no takers among the media in these times of implied – and real – frailty and vulnerability.  I have to face the fact that, based on my age, I’m part of the cadre of those most susceptible to our invisible enemy, COVID-19.

OK, fine.  They’ve got me on that one.  But I refuse to succumb to the stereotypes assigned to me because I happen to be between 65 and 102!  And being technologically able is one way I can poke my finger in the eye of the stereotyper!  Ha!

Now is a perfect time to shake off that badge, almost a brand:  Old person = Technologically inept.  

We don’t need no stinking badges!

So, if you’ve been in the mode of handing your devices over to your children and chuckling with them that you’re of the wrong generation to ‘get it,’ STOP DOING THAT!

Now, more than ever, we OLD FOLKS must find ways to overcome isolation.  It’s just no good to sit at home and watch CNN and sigh heavy sighs that we can’t see our grandkids when we want to.  There are multiple ways we can see them, and OUR FRIENDS, even now, without putting ourselves, or anyone else, at risk.

It begins with using the technology at our fingertips.  We must step up and face our fears.  If you have been one to say, “It scares me!” or “I’m afraid I’ll crash it!” or “It’s just too much for me!” STOP DOING THAT, TOO!

You underrate yourself.

The best way to boost your self-esteem – and talk face-to-face with the people you love – is to try Zoom, or Skype, or GoogleHangouts.  Watch out now!  No excuses!  No shrinking from the challenge.  You can do this!  

I have been privileged to meet every Tuesday morning for breakfast with some of the smartest, most erudite - and oldest! - women in my town.  (My husband calls it the Power Breakfast!)  When the virus hit and threatened to keep us from seeing each other, we swung into action.  Almost within moments, we had each downloaded Zoom, clicked the appropriate links, started a video conference and ate breakfast together – alone.

That’s right.  We were each at home alone (or with a spouse sequestered elsewhere in the house), yet were able to talk and laugh, commiserate and speculate, share and care, FACE-TO-FACE, just like every other Tuesday morning for the past umpteen years.

‘Way better than email.  ‘Way better than texts.  ‘Way better than a phone call.  

And we’re ELDERLY!

Highly recommended.

“But," you say, "I don’t even know how to get started!”

1. If you’ve never ventured into the App Store, now is the time to try it.  

2. Search for 'video conference' apps.  Many are free to download and free to use (it tells you right there on the screen).  

3. Click the blue button that says, “Get,” and you’ll get it on your phone or tablet.  Just like that!  It’s magic, really.

Then simply find the icon on the opening screen of your device and launch the app – another click.  And follow directions.  Pretty sure you’ve read and followed directions a few times in the past.

Soon you’ll be in the same room – sorta - with someone you care about, chatting away like you’re part of the 21^st Century.

And making that MP3 recording? A person I hope to work with requested that I send her a sample of my proposed project in that format.  I was a little anxious, but I undertook the same three steps:  Go to the App Store and search for a free MP3 recording app.  Click the button to download the app.  Open the app and follow directions.

Try it!  It’s not too much for you.  Nothing really crashes anymore.  Your brain cells will expand.  Your posture will improve.  You can hold your head high. 

It’s SO worth it! 

And you don’t even need a mask and gloves!

Smile! You're the Candid Camera!

Now you can hear with your teeth.  If you need to.   

It’s not for everyone, of course.  But entrepreneurs in medical science have devised a gadget for those who are deaf in only one ear, or “single-side deaf.”    

Aptly named the “SoundBite,” it’s comprised of two transmitters; the one you wear in your deaf ear picks up sound signals on that side and sends them to pre-wired molars on the other side.  Then the molars use the second transmitter to forward the sound signals through the bones in your skull to your hearing ear.  Weird, but miraculous.   

And it gives an entirely new meaning to ‘Radiohead.’ 

I’m a little hung up on how it works if someone knocks on the door on your left and you hear it from the window on your right.  Or what if there’s signal interference from, say, SETI?   

But hey, my grandma’s knee predicted the weather.  I always knew when to bundle up, so who am I to argue?    

I’m not surprised at this latest invention.  After all, it wasn’t that long ago when we saw pictures of lab rats with ears growing out of their backs.  No, not rat ears.  Human ears.  Lab techs cultivated ears for future use in little peripatetic plantations, like rootless, itinerant Christmas tree farms.  Ewww.  

But it’s all for the good.  Burn victims and anyone doing a few rounds with Mike Tyson could benefit. 

It was only a matter of time before other body parts were re-purposed in today’s “green” climate. 

We have more teeth than we need anyway, so why not rethink the whole mastication thing?  Shift it all to the front, rodent style, and set aside a few back teeth and those canines for a quiet day, if you get my meaning.  The Tooth Fairy will have to reinvent himself, but the world’s changing, man.  Adapt or die.   

Horticultural grafts have had us harvesting peaches from apple trees for decades.  The internet is rife with videos of momma dogs raising baby squirrels.  It’s no wonder we accept these kinds of “cross pollination” as routine.   

But carry it to its logical extreme and next thing you know we’ve got Sodom and Gonorrhea.  No, wait…I didn’t mean that.  Spell check is messing with me.  I meant that Biblical thing.  You know - the foundation of Las Vegas?  Sloth and Greed!?  No – Sparkle and Flash!?  Oh forget it. 

I’m ambivalent, that’s all.  

OK look, at my age, I’m all for it, this new-fangled angle on body parts.  Repurpose a tooth?  Sign me up!  Reuse bone marrow?  I’m there.  Refurbish the ragged, the weary, the long-in-the-tooth?  Oh yeah, count me in.   

I’ll tell you what I’d like to see recycled.  Robert Redford.  Like American Pickers with an eye for treasures heaped up in a hoarder’s back bedroom, new age scavengers could pick him up for a song.  Take him back to the shop; sand him down with #3 grit; rub in a honey glaze and finish him off with a coat of satin sealant.  Hollywood could still get a lot of use out of him.  But no!  We’re all too ready to cast off the classics.  

Instead, we have Wayne Newton.  A cautionary tale of misguided science and misspent technology.   

You can see why I’m torn. 

Just watch.  Now that Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp have crossed the threshold from fresh and plump on their way to shriveled and mossy, like so many Marlon Brando’s, they’ll wind up on a Tinsel Town junk pile when they could be aged like a single malt scotch.   

I’m not a Luddite, really.  I love the gadgets and apps.  I’m young.  I’m hip, or hep, or sick or cool.  Whatever.  Heck, I’ll go bionic when the time comes.  Or piecemeal me.  I’m good with it. 

In fact, in the spirit of progress, I offer these visionary suggestions for advances on the dental front.  Why not put our network where our mouth is?  We could link our teeth to Facebook and chatter away.  We can update our status while whitening.  

And why stop there?  Mount MP3 players, digital cameras, Angry Birds apps and home monitoring systems all around the grille. 

We’ll call it a Swiss Army mouth.  Say cheese!